On Mixed Marriages and the Narcissism of Small Differences

The phrase ‘mixed marriage’ tends to have racial connotations. It makes me think of my uncle’s wedding to a Yorkshire lass in the 1970s, Sydney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?, and not forgetting my own marriage to Rob Keys. But my Sri Lankan Tamil parents (pictured above) also had a mixed marriage of sorts because Dad was Christian and Mum Hindu. Talking to Mum now, she recalls that some relatives on each side tried to break them up but both families came round in the end. Mum says she and Dad they ‘never tried to convert each other’ which helped cement their 54 years together.

Sometimes a religious conversion can be a small step rather than a giant leap. My parents-in-law were both Protestant but on their marriage, my mother-in-law converted from being a Methodist to a Presbyterian. Perhaps more surprisingly, when one of my Christian cousins got engaged to a Methodist preacher, her mum was banned from attending the local Pentecostal church as punishment for her daughter’s ‘disobedience’.

Sigmond Freud in 1917 described this phenomenon as ‘the narcissism of small differences’. His idea was the more a community has in common, the more likely people are to engage in interpersonal feuds because of hypersensitivity to minor differences. This might be something you recognise from your workplace or friendship groups - or from the Judean People’s Front in Life of Brian! The latest census reminds us that ‘mixed’ is the fastest growing group in the UK, and my husband and I have contributed our two sons to that. But not all differences are so visible and, as the stories of our family show, small ones can loom largest of all.

While working with the fantastic Alex Dalton to deliver training on how to disagree well, leaders have told us how it’s the small differences that often cause the most friction in the workplace. Disagreements over the ‘right way’ to celebrate Black History Month, Pride or International Women’s Day - or over who gets to decide on the ‘correct’ language to use. As Freud recognised, the more someone is like you, the more troubled you are when they think differently.

Our ‘Curious Not Furious’ training is designed to support organisations to develop a culture where difference is celebrated. We have created practical tools like ‘The Conversation Compass’ to help you navigate the choppy waters of modern discourse. For example, we’ve found that one of the most significant points in a challenging conversation is its end point. A graceful exit allows colleagues to remain on good terms, removes the feeling that someone has engaged with you just to try to change your mind, and can leave you with a real spring in your step. Techniques to facilitate that graceful exit include knowing when to stop, acknowledging shared values and accepting the fact of honest disagreement.

If these kinds of conflicts are impacting your workplace, Curious Not Furious can help. Curiosity isn’t always a means to an end, it doesn’t have to be transactional and you don’t have to emerge a better person. But you will learn practical, transferable skills that can support your organisation to thrive.